But then I got sick and a snowball of unexpectedly gut-wrenching events began. AKA 2015.
Before I could even get a word in edge-wise, I'm buried deep.
Let me just say that I am VERY good at keeping it together in public. I even catch myself doing so while talking to her. I learned this trait early; that the world should not know your secrets, your emotions. But behind closed doors, in front of the most important people in my life...I am a mess.
I've touched on this briefly in several other posts. But let me assure you, I am not over exaggerating and it is f***ing ugly.
Onto the topic of today's.
There were several points brought up to me recently that helped me immensely. I figured I'd share them, in case someone else needed to hear them as well.
- There is such a thing as "new normal" and it's ever-changing. I chuckled at this phrase as she spoke the word. I recently wrote a post about my normal no longer being present. She just spun it into a prettier appearance. There is no longer a normal as my mind holds it. But, there is "new normal". I'm learning to accept this and grow with it. But that doesn't make me any less scared or fully of melancholy.
- It's all about perspective. Not only my perspective of the situations at hand, but my perspective of situations as they arise. I am an "emotion-jumper". I react and then think. I'm wincing at having typed that and planning to expel it into the universe. I'm working on it and I've been working on it since before I can remember. It's part of me and if I become lazy and give into myself, I get emotionally ugly. It's all about my perspective...which requires me to take a second.
- I need to redefine what a good day is to me. This was, by far, the biggest message I took away today. I am a planner. I have a schedule, to-do lists, checklists...everything. Before I even set my feet on the floor in the morning, I've already got the next 12 hours planned out. Combining this characteristic with my sense of what "normal" should be equals unfulfilled. I need to take smaller strides. I need to relish in the simple acts of what makes a day "GOOD". Because I am missing the point entirely. Today I woke up feeling good with one of my favorite songs stuck in my head. That made it a "GOOD" morning.
I know this post is chaotic. This blog has been chaotic at best lately. I'm trying.
You are definately dealing with opposing emotions...both very strong. The sheer happiness of being a bride to be and planning the marriage to the man you love, at the same time you are feeling tremendous sorrow and grief for someone someone you love and want in your life, so confusing and troubling, these feelings can manifest in negative feelings physically and emotionally, so yes, an evolving new normal. You do what you can to arm and protect yourself. You cannot deal with your happiness and sadness on an equal basis. That would be so unfair to those who love you, there is always good to be found, you know that as well as anyone. You have the love of music and the lyrics speak to you. The psalms of the bible are actually songs that have a timeless quality and are as relevant to our lives today as though they were written yesterday. you can find great comfort in reading or singing the psalms when It is hard to find adequate words to express Whats in your heart to God. You can fm encouragement and comfort challenge, and extend The psalms. The words given to Jesus by his mother Mary when he was a boy. Do whatever you can to keep moving forward andbuild on your new found strength. Love you!
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