The New Year came and went as expected: that rock is still in my gut.
Possibly even more so. It's as if December 31st, 2015 was a date that I was trying my hardest to avoid. Because anything beyond that was unpredictable and saturated in grief.
But, here we are. No matter how hard I dug my heals into the ground, 2015 was leaving with or without me.
It's been weeks since our household functioned on a "normal routine". I was heavily anticipating the return to such an existence. I, however, came to the conclusion that what I'm looking for is no longer there.
There is no longer a normal.
These days are the the days that tear apart love. That make you feel weak and dangerous. I would like to say I'm an unwavering beam of support, but I am the farthest from it. I have daily breakdowns at this point. And I try my HARDEST to prevent them from occurring. It's relentless. If this makes me less of a human or unfit for companionship, then I guess that's the way it is. I'm trying and failing. With each fail, a piece of me becomes more broken. With each fail, it's harder for me to get up in the morning.
There is no longer a normal for us. As I'm sitting next to Steven in our living room that we've decorated together, made into a home and shared for almost three years, it feels unfamiliar. Those hugs that I crave so dearly feel empty. There is no longer a normal. There is only moving forward with the fragments I feel we have and will still be taken away from us.
I don't really have any more to say about it than that.
On a lighter note, here are some aspects of my life that supply routine. In order to "look on the bright side".
- Our pets love us. Thumby will wake us up every day with his obnoxious meow. Bun will go berserk every time she hears the popcorn maker. Fester will always sing for me at any mention of cookies. They are normal.
- Pets need surgery. Work is normal. Busier, in fact. Which is great. And normal.
- Gas prices: thank goodness. Not ridiculously high, but normal.
- The familiarity of my own shower. I always take that for granted until I realize how much I've missed it. It is normal.
- Planning a week of meals because it allows me to address a week in advance without panicking. A normal routine.
- The love that I carry for the man of my dreams. My normal.
I remember when auntie Candace was so sick. I would come home and talk to Daki about it, sobbing the whole time, I could not help it. Daki didn't judge. Crying was a daily occurrence. Find your "daki" then fight to put your broken self back together. Don't be just a strong woman but a woman of strength. Take all the time you need.
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