I don't want to lay it all out like dirty laundry, but a lot has happened in the last year and half. As a person who doesn't let go of things...ever...every single moment is on my shoulders. I am teetering from one side to the other under the burden. It has been physically impossible to not let this effect me.
I keep telling myself, "Once you feel better, you'll go back to the real you. Once this is all in the rear view mirror, you'll be back to normal. It won't be so damn hard. This isn't the real you. You are better than this. You're cheerful, you're funny, you're heartfelt. One day it will go back."
At what point do I need to be admitting that this is the way I am now? That there is no going back.
I've let it break me. I've let it heavy my heart, hurt my spirit, poison my thoughts, lace my words with venom. I have not won here. I have so sorely lost.
Feeling like this sucks, I know from personal experience, No matter how deep all those feelings go, slowly but surely you'll be pulled back into the joys in this life-- perhaps even against your will. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that wake us to the possibilities still in front of you...so many. But at first, it's almost certainly going to feel like one step forward, two steps back. That's okay. Bit by bit your mind will accept what's happened, the changes you recognize and don't like but will soon discover new reserves of strength and resilience. I attend a regular caregiver support group. So great to put my strange and sometimes ugly thoughts out on the table and leave them there. No one judges and every one has demons to fight. Sometimes fighting for yourself means trusting a group of strangers who will know and understand you even better that you understand yourself. Go for it!!
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